Well, shit. This wasn't exactly how I wanted my summer to start.
It rained all of Memorial Day weekend. That isn’t the problem with how my summer started, though. Charlottesville has been in an extreme drought, and we desperately need all the rain we can get here. But after that wet and rainy weekend, I was hankering for a bike ride. I had a 60-mile gravel ride I signed up for in mid-June, so I wanted to get back on the saddle and start working my tolerance up for longer riding.
On the Tuesday after the long weekend, I needed to get some wire strippers to work on a car stereo for a work project. The roads looked dry, and I thought this would be a great opportunity to take care of an errand while also getting some saddle time, so I hopped on the Blue Meanie to take the 20-ish minute trip to the hardware store. Unfortunately, I had forgotten that bridges and boardwalks tend to be more slippery than roads, and as I rode over a small bridge on a park path, one that is part of my regular weekly rides, I turned my front wheel, and the bike slid out under me, throwing me onto the ground.
Honestly, the fall didn’t seem that bad at the time. I banged my hip and my elbow, and I felt embarrassed–one of those “gee, I hope no one was watching me” moments on a bicycle, something that may have happened once or twice before to me. But as I got back on the bike and rode home (I was only about a mile away at this point), I felt some pain in the right side of my head and neck, leading me to worry about a concussion. Later that day, after work, I went to urgent care to get checked out. The NP who examined me said I didn’t need to go to the ER for any of the brain injury red flags (passing out, bleeding ears, vomiting, swollen eyes), but that I might have sustained a mild concussion. She told me that I could have a headache and brain fog for a week, and to take it easy from screens (not an easy thing to tell a programmer).
The first couple days weren’t too bad, just a little headache and soreness. But by around Day 3 post-accident, things started to get worse. I found that I would feel dizzy when I did video calls at work. I had severe anxiety attacks, and spent a weekend exhausted, unable to either do anything or sleep in bed. I had a few virtual visits where I was assured that I didn’t need to rush to the ER, but that I needed to take more rest in order to get myself better. I took a few sick days off work, but still felt bad when I came back. My big gravel ride approached, and I was nowhere near ready to get on a bike, much less ride 60 miles–so I had to bail. Then my family’s planned long weekend to see grandparents and cousins in Maryland came, and I didn’t quite feel like I could spend hours in a car without getting carsick, so we had to abandon those plans too–including a night out in DC that Katie and I scheduled for our anniversary. Eventually, I met with my doctor, and she suggested I take a full week or two off work to rest up, since extended screen time is so difficult for me that making it through a work day has been a significant challenge.
In the past, I’ve sustained injuries that have taken weeks to recover from. I’ve broken bones, and even needed surgery to recover from a bike crash a few years ago. But honestly, this concussion recovery has been the hardest thing I’ve ever faced. Don’t get me wrong, broken bones completely suck, but at least you have a fairly clear idea of how long you’re going to be in a cast, and what you need to do for recovery when the cast comes off. And, most importantly, when you have a broken bone you typically still have your brain. Even when you can’t do active things you can still distract yourself with computer games and TV. But a concussion? There’s a lot of uncertainty. I originally thought (and was told by healthcare providers) that it would just be a week or two. I had sustained a concussion 11 years ago, back in grad school, and that’s all I faced–just a week or so of some extra fatigue and sluggishness, then I was back to normal. This time, just about every facet of my life is affected in some respect or another. For most of June, I’ve been stuck inside my house, becoming isolated and weird like Bart when he breaks his leg in Bart of Darkness.
Well, with no biking, no vacation, no anniversary celebration, no programming, and not even any sick-day Netflix binges, it probably shouldn’t be too surprising that I’ve spent a significant portion of the past month feeling depressed. Of course, post-concussion depression is a common issue. I’ve been wondering whether it’s because of alterations to the brain, or simply because a person can’t do anything that used to make them happy. I suspect it’s both. I suppose in some ways it’s a good thing that I’m no longer able to scroll social media, since otherwise I’d be stuck inside overloading on FOMO while I see other people off on vacation, enjoying their summers the way I wish I could.
I’ve been doing my best to cope with the situation. I’ve received lots of great podcast and audiobook recommendations from friends, which have helped me to pass the time without a computer, phone, or television screen. I’m particularly enjoying Men in Blazers–I’m now convinced this podcast is the best possible way to consume the World Cup–and Alice Isn’t Dead–an eerie suspense thriller about traveling through rural America. I’ve been taking more morning walks, and appreciating the chance to soak in local trails even when I’m off the saddle. I’ve been grateful for the chance to spend quality time with Ian without getting distracted by useless entertainment on my phone. And I’ve had some nice visits from friends and family, who have come down to see me when I couldn’t drive up to see them. I don’t want to present any sort of pollyanna attitude about this last month–this whole experience has, objectively, sucked pretty bad. Definitely not recommended. But there have been a few little silver linings.
Now, I’m gradually getting better. I feel more able to do things throughout the day, with less need for painkillers, icepacks, and long rests. Prolonged screen time is still difficult, so when I return to work I’ll be slowly stepping back into the shallow end before I can make it a full day. I suspect I’ll get back on the bike sometime soonish, but also, I’ve been enjoying taking in the woods on foot, and not trying to rush saddle time too quickly.
I’m tempted to turn this post into some sort of reflection about Buddhist views of pain and suffering, or about boredom and distraction in the digital world, or something else that has crossed my mind over the past several weeks. But, I also want to be mindful to limit my screen time. As I ease back into work during the month of July, I may get inspired to write one of these pieces. But for now, I’m just doing my best to not become too much like isolated and weird Bart. I’ll try not to get too caught up in writing my play about St. Swithin’s day.